The inner struggle

Dear diary, I feel a need to write about my feelings again….

As I might have said before, this blog is a bit like a diary. I used to write one, but after I started blogging, a lot of my internal turmoil has been posted here. I have some issues, I want to be what others expect of me, but at the same time I want to walk my own path. It’s constantly an inner battle, wanting to please others, fighting for my right to be myself, and it easily turns into anger. Especially towards the ppl I care about. I’m very good at putting all my frustrations on them, instead of just letting it go. I might need to take up boxing or something, sometimes I wish I was more of a guy who didn’t express his frustrations so much in words and just put it in lifting weights or something.

My issue? I decided years ago that every life I do in ddo has to matter, has to be a learning experience and that I want to take them to cap and run raids and ees. Each past life I acquire needs to mean something, I learned something from it. But.. this is not how most play the game. Ppl zerg heroics for heroic past lives, then they zerg epics for epic past life… or alternatively they stone their past lives and don’t really play them at all, to acquire as many past lives as possible, and after they’re done they build a toon for the end. Only problem is that the end doesn’t really exist anymore, and ppl prefer to just keep running for the past lives. Which means that once they’ve acquired all their past lives, they don’t really have a reason to play anymore.

I’m constantly fighting to keep playing the game the way I want to, while others tell me I should do this and that. And not only is it the way I play, but I also get called elitist. Isn’t that ironic? To some groups I’m too elitist, and should step down to their level.. to others I’m not elitist enough, and need to exclude ppl who are not good enough.

This wanting to please everyone is hard, and it messes with my head a lot. Though, I think the fact that I cheat on my sleep affects my emotions a lot, and negatively. Need to work on that.

That’s all folks, thank you for stopping by and have a wonderful day.

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5 comments on “The inner struggle

  1. Definitely sounds like you are having a frustrating time Micki :(. One thing to remember is to have fun. You won’t ever be able to make everybody happy, but the thing you can do is always make yourself happy :).

    • Thank you. The thing is that I like playing with others, and I want to make the runs a pleasant experience for everyone.. or at least most. It’s not easy to please both the elitists and the casuals. I have no issue explaining things to the newer ppl, and it doesn’t bother me for the most part if everyone isn’t contributing as much, but when it comes to the EE raids, I need to start expecting ppl to only join if they can bring it. Pikers make the runs more difficult for the rest of us. But I refuse to kick ppl just because they might not have the best build.

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