Some thoughts, more self analyzation

WARNING! A too long blog follows…

I know, I just posted the TR blog, with pictures. Maybe I’ll add some to this one, maybe not. I’ve been thinking… which really isn’t anything new as I spend a lot of time doing just that.

Now how should I start this real life story that I want to tell? I think some of you will relate, some probably not at all. Most people that I talk to, think I’m weird. To one extent or another. Should I point out that we’re all different? Well, I grew up very protected, having over protective and strict parents. My parents didn’t really get along, so I was ashamed to invite the few friends I had to our place. I guess I had a bunch of friends the first few grades of school, this thinning out along the years.

I know I’m stubborn. I want things my way, or no way at all, and I tend to avoid people who don’t treat me the way I want them to. I’ve always had a hard time getting to know new people, in university I managed to do that only after making a bit of an effort, and I’m usually better at it one on one than in a group. I’m actually quite comfortable being by myself, as then I don’t have to worry about what others think or how things should be done.

But, besides that, I still have this incredible need to talk every day to someone about every day stuff. About things that are spinning in my head. The problem with a very busy mind, is that if you don’t get to express the thoughts some how, they can drive you insane. I used to write a diary. I still do. But currently I have an addiction called Dungeons & Dragons Online that take up a large bit of my free time.

Coming to that, growing up, I was always reading books. All kinds of fiction. From books written for teenagers to ones for adults. My mum was and is a collector of all kinds of stuff, and she’d buy a lot of books that she’d never read, so I did. I always loved to lose myself in fiction. The real world was never as exciting or fun.

I used to work with horses, can you believe that? Growing up I was a horse girl and spent a lot of time at the stables. I was never really a good rider, but I was a hard and reliable worker, who didn’t care that much about money. But at 20 I hit my age crisis, had a bit of a panic about not really having an education (I had only studied horsemanship at vocational school), so decided that I wanted to go to the university. I really wanted to be a vet, but after failing the entry test twice, I decided to try to get into IT at a university of applied sciences. I got in at first try. 8 years later I’m working as a software developer for an International Finnish IT company. I do enjoy my job, even though they at times expect the impossible from you.

Anywho. After finishing school I moved in with my then boyfriend, a year and a half later I moved out, as I couldn’t stand they way things were anymore. We tried to stay friends, but his definition of friends were different from mine and I ended up breaking contact a year ago. I “dated” some, but after starting to play DDO actively I stopped. I replaced most of my social activities with DDO.

Now, I wrote about this before. What is it that has made me so addicted to this game? Well, I have been thinking about it a lot, and think I have it figured out. Being a person who’s uncomfortable in social situations, who has to put an effort in just to talk to people irl, I’ve been hooked on talking, chatting and debating online since I was 16. In ddo I found friends with similar interests. I may not know what most of them look like, or anything like that, but I enjoy spending time with them. They are people to talk to.

I bought a headset a short while after I started playing, but at first I didn’t talk much at all, being worried that people wouldn’t understand me. Then I met Cleazy. He talks a lot. I was being pretty shy, not really able to talk to him at first, but he kept pushing me, and after a while I relaxed. Now I enjoy talking over voice, and don’t really care who’s listening. 🙂 Of course, as I don’t always pay attention to who I have in the party, I may forget who’s heard what, as a friend of mine pointed out to me the other day.

Yes, I call these people friends. They’re from all over the world, and no, I won’t go for coffee with them any time soon, but they are my social circle. Anyone who runs with me regularly and talks to me, I consider a friend. People who help me complete my tasks in game, and give me a home away from home. I do realize though, that there are negative sides to my gaming as well. I’ve completely stopped trying to meet new people irl. I got tired of it, and I don’t want to. Also, I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. I work ~40h/ week, sometimes more, then on top of that I play ~30h/ week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I do make sure to exercise at least 3 times/ week, and I give my pets, my degus, at least 1h of playtime every day, 1.5h total with cleaning up etc. Cleaning the cages takes ~2h/ once a week. So if there’s 7×24 = 168h/ week. -40h work = 128h. -30h ddo = 98h. – 6×1.5h – 1x2h (degus) = 87h. – at least 3x1h exercise = 84h. That leaves 12h/ day for travels, eating, sleep, etc. I’ll tell you what I neglect the most; sleep. I don’t sleep. I’m constantly tired, and the more tired I am, the more irritated I get. I know, it’s normal.

Ok, after all of that, if you’re still with me, here’s what I really wanted to get to. I know I’m a difficult person with poor social skills. I’m stubborn and I like to do things my way. At times I may act childish, just because I want to get my way through. At the same time I’m pretty adaptable, and I care a lot about what people think of me. I work hard, I’m loyal, and I learn fast. Oh, and apparently I’m comfortable being in the lead. When I started running raids on Orien, I didn’t want to lead. I didn’t trust myself, and I was scared. I get scared a lot when it comes to unfamiliar situations. But what I’ve learned is that to get over your fears, you just need to do it, and learn from the experience. I may be lazy in ddo. I don’t want to learn things on my own, I want to learn from others. This is why I never want to run new quests solo to experience them, like some people enjoy doing, no. I want someone else to lead me through the first, maybe second time, or if I can’t get anyone I use wiki. What I do, though, is analyze the situation, if I’m paying enough attention. I run a quest or raid once or twice and memorize certain details. Depending on how much I’m paying attention, that is. When it comes to leading raids, I try to learn everything I can about tactics that will make the run easier and smoother. Sometimes I decide to try different tactics to see if they would work better.

I recently had a bit of a quarrel with a real good online friend. She’s been thinking about changing our routines, I didn’t want to, but had to admit that things weren’t quite good as they were. This quarrel led me to cut her out of my life for now. It’s not the first time I’ve done this either. When I feel I can’t communicate with a person anymore, that either they aren’t listening to me, or just not understanding me, I give up. And when I do, I want nothing to do with them until I get over the whole thing. Sometimes it takes a long time, like with my ex. After a year, I’m not ready to talk to him, even though he did try to contact me.

In ddo, I have clashed with some people. I think I’m pretty easy going, but I just react badly to 1. people telling me what to do or 2. people telling me how to build/ play my toons. I am not unreasonable, it’s all about how you say things. If you tell me “do this, don’t do that”, I will get angry and definitely not do what you say. If you instead say “I did things like this or that”/ “I/ my friend built their toon like this or that”, etc. then I’ll listen, and if I like the idea I’ll want to copy.

I do try to talk about things, and I want to get along with everyone. But sometimes, my efforts are in vein. Other times people won’t even tell me what I did wrong, or give me a chance to fix things. Sometimes I don’t care. But I do want people to like me, but not of the expense of having to be something I’m not. But I also wish people would tell me if they disagree with something I’ve done or said. If it is reasonable, I will listen. I won’t listen to accusations without proof, from a person who wasn’t even the one saying it. Tell me, don’t send tells to others, ok?

Alright, I really got off track, maybe I need to start writing in the diary again?

If you managed to get through all of that, I would love some comments. 🙂

Thank you and see you in game, on twitter, or somewhere else.


P.S. This whole whole blog idea came from me wondering if I’m really that hard to get along with in ddo…


4 comments on “Some thoughts, more self analyzation

    • I know what kind of person you are and where you are coming from. Your introvert personality makes it quite obvious :).
      Hard to get a long with? absolutely NOT! Otherwise, you wouldn’t find me joining you time and time again <3.
      That being said, I'm a pretty laid back kinda guy and easy to get along with just about anybody. So, if someone manages to piss me off, it means that he/she really tried to do that, on purpose.

      • 🙂 Thank you Komrad. I never considered myself an introvert, but looking at wikipedia’s definition, I’d say that’s pretty much me.

        🙂 I remember previously running with you, you were not talking much, and I just thought of you as a solid player that I liked having in my groups, even though I was a bit intimidated (I worry that I’m gonna mess up). 🙂 Then somewhat recently you started talking to me more. Not sure what happened there. Same thing with Youuta, too, btw. I’d only ran with him occasionally, and suddenly he started talking to me and we became some kind of friends. 🙂

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